february 4, 2025

retreat into a dying mind

i’m driving myself off a cliff in a blue four by four and i am cackling and i am laughing and my eyes are bulging out of their sockets and my foot is on the gas and i am pushing the pedal and i am racing off this cliff and i am on fire and this car is blue and orange and in flames and i am going faster and faster and faster and faster till i am flying off the cliff edge and ending it all and i am so happy i am so happy it is over i am so happy it is over i am so happy it is over this life is over this life is over i am done i wish i was never here but now that i had to be i wish i left earlier i am still here but i wish i left earlier so i am going now i am going now i am saying no goodbyes i am leaving without a sound i am leaving without a warning or a note or a reason why i am racing off this cliff and i am self destructing as i have always wanted as i have always done this is the happiest day of my life because i am done with it all i am finally done and it is finally over we are leaving we are leaving we are done who is we i dont know maybe it is my flesh and this soul i have finally disappointed i’m sorry i couldnt do it im sorry i didnt live your purpose im sorry i didnt let the universe experience what it wanted to experience here i am sorry i was a person and i found no one to hug i’m sorry i was a person and i gave up too early i’m sorry i was a person and no one understood it i’m sorry i was a person and they told me i was not i’m sorry they lied all the time i’m sorry this world was what it was when i came i’m sorry i could not fix it i’m sorry i let it break me i’m sorry i did not let you experience what you wanted to experience i’m sorry i spent so much of my life trying to escape it trying not to die but always wanting to i’m sorry i don’t know who i am always apologising to it must be my self and all i could not do for it it must be my body and all the ways i disappointed all the ways i could not be all the ways i hated my own existence all the ways i was always lying to the world all the ways i was forced to hide all the ways this world beat me alive i’m sorry i left but i’m not sorry at all ha i’m laughing and i’m cackling because it is finally over when i close my eyes i am driving off the cliff and i am grinning like a mad woman i am happy it is over i am thrilled i can leave i am thrilled i can exit this world with the autonomy i was not granted to enter it with i am happy i have the power i can decide to leave and so i will i close my eyes i press the pedal and i press it faster and i make sure my body quivers and shakes i have always dreamt of this final disappointment this surefire way of ensuring a feeling i have always been seduced by how certain death is it is so beautifully black and firmly poised i prefer it so much more than this life i am subject to here it is so full of shit so void of meaning so void of feeling so teeming with it they are all liars and they are all enemies and i am a liar and i am enemy but i don’t have to deal with it anymore ha i am out of here i am screaming i am laughing i am insane i am finished i am done i am complete i am free