march 2, 2025

something that symbolises anger

i swear it’s working out when it isn’t. i swear it’s not a lie, i swear it’s not all a lie, i swear i’m not a mad woman, i swear i definitely am. it’s not going as planned and this coffee is bad but there’s probably a reason for it, and for all my planning, to collapse half way. they say everything is void of meaning. they say nothing has inherent quality. they are right, but i swear the lack of substance, at risk of sounding like an addict, is making me lose all hope. the ground is dissolving under my feet, and i am being so damn dramatic, because i can’t think, but i usually can’t anyway. the worst dressed man on earth is taking photos of me, and this place, and being obsessive, and intrusive, and so damn off, and i swear nothing has inherent quality. this coffee is bad, and giving me a headache, and made me wait in line for 45 minutes, and now this baby is crying. it’s funny that it is so cinematic, because that eases the blow. i feel secondhand pain for the mother, and this is probably why i could never be one. i love babies, but because they remind me how to exist in this world, not because their screaming can somehow penetrate the loudest song i have on. these nails are growing on me (literally, ha), so maybe this cafe will too. some deeply buried google review said it is the kind of place people love or hate, and i regret reading it. it wouldn’t have changed my decision, but it gives me the illusion of feeling as though there is a way to control more life, and that is somehow through more, more, more, more knowing. i have been a knowing machine on this leg of the trip, and it’s been a little bit shocking. i’m succumbing to another coffee, because i’m learning to survive within the nonoptimal. my airpods are glitching (aptly) and i am trying not to lose it all, but in a very obviously dishonest way. where is the tao when i desperately need it? always here, i am reminded, even when the coffee sucks and the shops are closed and i am forced to confront my need for everything to work out perfectly and ideally. this second coffee is even worse than the first, and i don’t know what the universe is trying to teach me at this point. i’m supposed to plan less now. i fucking hate this, and i will allow myself to rage on this page when i cannot outloud. this is genuinely hell on earth, this coffee. at least i know what i’m doing tomorrow morning. i’m looking desperately for some hidden meaning to all this, and i cannot find one, and this baby is still fucking whimpering. i want to laugh at how bad this is, and how long the line out the door is. i want to laugh at how pathetic and middling my problems are. my only problem is the body at this point. it is ironic that the girl i am coaching for some reason said that the best thing i taught her is how to relax. it’s the phrasing of it, really. does she know i have not yet taught myself this lesson? did she know that i am better at teaching what i cannot seem to learn? the poor guy who was about to cross the street half an hour ago has finally reached the front of the queue, or almost. i want to send him a telepathic message that this line is not worth it, but at least there is nice seating. that’s good, yes. i must look at the silver lining of all this, even the bad coffee, and the gripping headache. back to the girl, and this task of relaxing. i feel like i have amnesia these days, i can’t seem to remember more than fifteen seconds of life. i don’t think this is what they mean when they talk about living in the present, but maybe they do. apparently there is something known as spiritual amnesia, and i have not googled that term yet. okay, i did, and it is not what i thought, or hoped, it was. the first thing that comes up is the act of forgetting that jesus saved me, and i’m afraid that is not my problem, at least for the time being. my problem is that i don’t believe anything anymore until i cannot defeat it with the army of a thousand arguments. my problem is that i always have a thousand arguments ready at the onset, so my problem, really, is me. my problem is that i am trying to solve a problem with the logic of the problem. i am trying to surrender to life and believe in something unseen by asking the world to show me proof that i can see, and hold, and believe. i am trying to surrender to it all by finding something else to cling desperately to.